knowing the contradiction of Him

My love for You has taken the form of striving, working to gain Your affection, running to catch Your love, pleading to hear Your voice.

My heart needs to be in the place of abiding, delighting in Your affection, resting in Your love, listening for Your voice.

 I serve and strive to the point of exhaustion. When I begin to feel Your love, I rationalize it away. But without Your steady arms, I would fall. Without intimacy, my life becomes a religious game rather than a genuine relationship with You.

 You are the God who is jealous for me.

You redeemed Israel and saved me.

You thundered to the prophets and whispered to me.

You are just and yet so kind.

 My intimacy with You does not diminish Your righteousness. Your eyes that watch the universe also know my inner being. I’ve struggled to reconcile my own experience of knowing You with Your judgements and authority that can sometimes make You feel distant and unknownable. But I can’t explain in logical human terms what it is like to be loved by the God of the ages. I can’t explain the comfort in the Name of Jesus. 

 My heart is filled to its very depths with a desperation to know this Holy One. I see glimpses of myself in the woman weeping at His feet, the man dropping his nets at the sound of His voice. I hear my cry in Moses’ plea to “show me Your glory.” I want what they had, what they knew. I want His friendship.

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Exodus 33: 15-23

“Then Moses said to Him, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here…show me Your glory.”

And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim My Name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But you cannot see My Face, for no one may see Me and live.”

Then the LORD said, “There is a place near Me where you may stand on a rock. When My glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with My hand until I have passed by.”