knowing the contradiction of Him

My love for You has taken the form of striving, working to gain Your affection, running to catch Your love, pleading to hear Your voice.

My heart needs to be in the place of abiding, delighting in Your affection, resting in Your love, listening for Your voice.

 I serve and strive to the point of exhaustion. When I begin to feel Your love, I rationalize it away. But without Your steady arms, I would fall. Without intimacy, my life becomes a religious game rather than a genuine relationship with You.

 You are the God who is jealous for me.

You redeemed Israel and saved me.

You thundered to the prophets and whispered to me.

You are just and yet so kind.

 My intimacy with You does not diminish Your righteousness. Your eyes that watch the universe also know my inner being. I’ve struggled to reconcile my own experience of knowing You with Your judgements and authority that can sometimes make You feel distant and unknownable. But I can’t explain in logical human terms what it is like to be loved by the God of the ages. I can’t explain the comfort in the Name of Jesus. 

 My heart is filled to its very depths with a desperation to know this Holy One. I see glimpses of myself in the woman weeping at His feet, the man dropping his nets at the sound of His voice. I hear my cry in Moses’ plea to “show me Your glory.” I want what they had, what they knew. I want His friendship.



Exodus 33: 15-23

“Then Moses said to Him, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here…show me Your glory.”

And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim My Name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But you cannot see My Face, for no one may see Me and live.”

Then the LORD said, “There is a place near Me where you may stand on a rock. When My glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with My hand until I have passed by.”


2 thoughts on “knowing the contradiction of Him

  1. Figured I’d drop out of the blue and say I love this blog post! God loves your heart! Keep asking, seeking, knocking, calling, for He will answer and show you great and wonderful things that you have neither known nor imagined. It’s who He is =D
    From a fellow child of the Close One,

  2. Thank you for this! Found it through the Rebelution…

    “You thundered to the prophets and whispered to me”… Reminded me of 1 Kings 19 and the still small whisper. So grateful that we have his voice plainly in his Word, and yet still get to hear and feel him. I’m usually afraid of getting hurt if I trust something to be Him, and it turns out not to be, so I often try to push any ‘warm-fuzzy’ communication away, but He does also speak gently with love through sweet times of pray and the Bible. Learning to accept His love however he chooses to send it!

    Thanks for the encouragement!

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